Insomnia sucks
Yes, indeed it does. The past week I've been sleeping in the wee hours of the morning... around 2AM-4AM. I tried my luck last night and went to just before midnight. Well, no such luck. I've been tossing and turning in bed, I've been draining my cellphone battery trying to beat the top score in the games, I've been humming slow and lonely tunes in my head... Nothing worked. I hate it.
Last week my blocmates and classmates from college had been texting me everytime they can't fall asleep.
"Hey, you still up? Can't fall asleep. Stupid plates made this a habit."
"Di ka rin makatulog noh?!"
"Lintek. Di pa ko antukin! Kaw?"
Etc, etc. It seems like the curse of our course. Sigh. I haven't even drank a single drop of coffee this month. Insomnia... go away, will yah?
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Three
Another proof of my stupidity: I barely passed Math 14. Shit. Shit. Shit. Damn. Damn. Damn. You guessed it. I got a final grade of 3. Three. Tres. Sure, I had a really hard time with Math this sem (just like the previous one), but I had thought I'd get a 2-point-something at least. I know it's better than failing or taking removals but hey... I am supposed to be smart or something (minus the conceit and arrogance), or so they say. What is happening to me? I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.
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Did Jesus die in vain?
Well, it is Holy Week, after all... so I thought I'd post something about it. You see, I'm no Miss Catholic and I don't have super faith - sure, growing up in a Catholic family (though practically non-practicing) and having studied in an all-girls' Catholic school, I do practice bits of the religion. It was my grandmother, who's now in Canada, who instilled all the Christian values and rituals in my life, not my parents. My parents are practically non-practicing Catholics, as I've said. Yes, I go to mass every Sunday with my siblings (now that my grandparents are abroad) and yes, I do pray before meals. But that's just it. Back in grade school and high school, we pray the rosary at school almost every day, we read the Gospel every morning, we pray whenever each class starts and ends, we have vigils and adoration sessions. Now, that I'm studying at an open university (and free of the whole religious dictatorship crap - some might say), I hardly ever do anything religious. I haven't prayed the rosary in months, I sometimes stumble for words when I'm praying the Lord's Prayer in my head, I haven't even gone to confession in a year! I might sound a bit paranoid about these things, but sometimes I think even though I am still very doubtful and careless about my faith - sometimes, I think that it really matters a lot to me.
Am I even making any sense? I know a lot of skeptics and non-practicing people out there and I don't blame them. Sometimes, I see the Church - the system, that is - rigid, pointless and hypocritical. But then, it all boils down to something more complex - one's faith in God (or one's faith that there is a God). Some may argue that their faith is their personal business and they can do whatever they want, some may say that the only way to salvation would be to follow the Church's rules. It's all too complicated that I don't want to delve into it. Everyone's entitled to their own opinion, after all. But sometimes, when I think about it - I don't want to praise and follow God and do good things just for the sake of eternal reward and salvation or to merely follow all the rules the Church imposes on people. I want to think that I am inclined to do good things because I want to and because it is within me to do so.
Anyway, this is getting waaay too intense and personal now, regarding the question above: Did Jesus die in vain?... I watched that Jesus movie on ABC 5 last Monday and Tuesday night, with Jeremy Sisto (of Clueless and Hideaway) playing Jesus and Debra Messing (of Will and Grace) as Mary Magdalene. It was unlike most Jesus-movies because they didn't portray Jesus as the all-throughout gentle, patient and soft-spoken person. In that movie, there were times that he lost his patience and spoke quite roughly - and the dialogue reflected this too. It seemed weird but I suppose the producers wanted to portray Jesus as a real person - he may be good and holy - but he was still a person. Anyway again, there was that scene in the Garden of Gethsemane - when he was praying to his Father and all that with his disciples sleeping and Judas preparing to turn him in - that the Devil came out and tempted him one last time. The Devil told him to disobey his Father and start a revolution against Rome to save the people, instead of doing his Father's will and die. Because he would die in vain - because there would be crusades in his name wherein people are going to be killed, witch burnings in his name where the innocents are sentenced to die, wars just because of him. All these things were showed to him like a flash to the future. Anyway, we know that he still chose to die but what struck me was that question and a statement he made: That God gave His people the choice to do good or evil.
So what was the point of that long entry? I don't know. Maybe I just felt like rambling... or maybe all of us should try and ask that question again: Did Jesus die in vain?
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Andy lost to a qualifier in his first round match in Monte Carlo. Something is definitely wrong with him. Spending waaay too much time with Mandy perhaps?
